My Critter Companions

Again I am amazed. And grateful. Is there anything more heartwarming than being welcomed home by a cat? Yes, being welcomed home by by two. Mavis is almost always on the porch waiting for me, watching for me. If I arrive home at an unexpected hour and she's napping upstairs, she won't come down for me. Earl on the other hand is never waiting and watching for me, but always comes running when I come in the door and call his name.

How did I get to be such a crazy cat lady?

Out of Touch = Out of Sorts

I'm definately feeling out of sorts. I don't want to work and I don't know what I want to do. It's that old and very familiar quagmire. I futz around and then at the end of the day I look at what I've wasted and feel terrible.

Angry

• the job isn't working the way I wanted it to. I hate the commute, I miss working downtown, instead of fighting with opposing counsel, I fight with other board members and get paid less money.
• I'm not enjoying CCC work any more. It's tedious and really, I don't enjoy the people there very much.

Sad

• Angry and sad about Steve -- angry at myself and sad that I've settled so

Afraid

• I'm afraid about money (and a little angry at myself for my handling of money so poorly)
• Politics are scaring me -- I'm afraid of all the rancor

Guilty

• Guilty about not working hard enough
• I feel guilty about not managing money well enough
• I feel guilty about not using my skills well enough.

I am feeling a little below the line. I could do a cycle and should do a cycle. In the new lingo, I'm on the verge of a stress response.

TJ: I don't want to work. I know if I don't work, I'll feel awful, but still I don't want to work.

A: I don't want to work, I hate the work, I really really hate the work, I hate dealing with other people.I hate dealing with unreasonable people, I hate dealing with people who don't agree with me. They are just being jerks. I hate dealing with the jerks. I hate it that doctors and insurers are getting rich by hurting injured workers.

S: I feel sad that so many people are getting screwed.

W: I worry that I am going to make more mistakes; I worry that other C attorneys will loose faith in me and I'll end up loosing my job; Mostly I'm afraid they will talk about me and say that I'm stupid. I worry that I look stupid; I'm worried that they think I should be doing more. I'm worried that they think if I were doing a good job that the results would be different on their files.

G: I feel guilty that my anger and worry get in the way of my doing the job.

UE: That I am responsible for the out come of each file; That I'm responsible for finding a way to correct the mistakes that C attorneys make; That claimant attorneys won't like me if they lose a case. That it's important that people like me. That the measure of how well I've done the job is by how much or how many people like me.

RE: First of all, some folks are just plain not going to like me and I guess it's also reasonable to expect that some folks won't like me because cases were not resolved like they wanted. it's not my job to be liked. It's my job to look at the files and make a fair decision based on what I see there.

I expect myself to put forth good effort. Some days the actual hours I work will be more and some days the actual hours I work will be less.

PPT: I'm not responsible for the evidence. I am responsible for reviewing the evidence.

EP: The facts of some cases are going to make me want to make decisions that the evidence won't let me make.

ER: Actually if I let go of the merging, I am sure my job will be more enjoyable.

WDIN: I need to keep telling myself I am not responsible for the evidence; I'm am responsible for reviewing the evidence.

I am not responsible for the evidence, I am responsible for reviewing the evidence.

As for being liked, yes -- I'd like to be liked, but some folks are just not going to like me. They may even not like me because of the decisions I make. BUT frankly, I need not to worry about those folks. If I just concentrate on remembering that I am not responsible for the evidence, I will worry less about being liked. Really what I am saying is that there is NO connection between being liked and what the evidence is. I've always known that.

Ms. Mavis

Ok, she's a cutie. I only hope that she and Earl can learn to get along.

New Job Changes

After months, I should have this routine down, but I don't and in fact I seem to be spiraling down. The commute is killing me. I am spending 3 hours a day in the car. When I get home, I don't move, I don't eat well, I pour a glass of wine and watch tv. I hate it and I am worried!

Angry

• I hate the commute
• I hate the time in the car
• I hate just sitting there
• I hate that I'm in a car - that I've given up my identity as a bicycle commuter
• I hate that I come home exhausted
• I hate that there is no place to walk at my new job. That there is no place to shop
• I hate that the office is so isolated
• I hate that it is really an office job.-- I don't get out that much

Fear

• I'm afraid that I am loosing ground
• I'm afraid that I am gaining weight
• I'm afraid that I am not eating well and not moving
• I'm afraid of getting fat
• I'm afraid of being found out -- that I'm not using time well,
• I'm afraid I'm not doing a good enough job
• I'm afraid all the solution work I have done is for nothing

Actually I really hate that I know the rules -- I know what I need to do and I'm not doing it. I hate that I am slipping back into external solutions. In fact I'm adding new external solutions. I just hate that I am doing that. I hate that I am wasting time and then complaining that I don't have enough time. I hate that I just can't power through and get things done!

I'm sad that I'm not good enough, smart enough, committed enough, "something" enough to be the person I want to be.

I'm afraid that I am doing damage to myself. I am afraid that others are going to see the truth about me.

I feel guilty. I am ashamed that I haven't been working according to the rules. I feel guilty about not eating properly, not taking care of my money. I feel guilty that I haven't been following Mastery Living Guidelines.

UE: I must have a ML routine. I can't have a ML routine. I should have it figured out by now. I'm a bad person since I don't have it figured out by now. I can't figure it out by myself. I have to figure it out by myself.

RE: I don't have to figure it out completely by myself all at once. I can use the ML guidelines and do a little experimenting to figure out a routine.

RE: I am going to have to set some good parent expectations and be accountable. That means I am going to have to connect to my power.

PPT: This is not too big for me. I can take care of myself during this time. I am a powerful woman.

EP: Taking care of myself is my responsibility. It's me. My responsibility. I am accountable. I will need to feel the anger, sadness, fear and not use the anger, sadness or fear as an excuse. In the end there are no good "excuses"

ER: I will feel better. It will get easier. I will be more in touch with myself. I will enjoy myself, my life more.

Need: I need to be a good parent to myself. Actually, I need to take a couple of days off and just get some things organized. I need to take the time to create and write down good parent expectations.

Support: Yes, I will need to check in. I may need more individual sessions with Judy.

A New Critter in the House

Earl has a new housemate - -Natalie joined the house. So far, Earl has been a bit of a turd about welcoming Natalie and sharing the house. Basically, he has just hissed and chased her into hiding. Now is a time for me to be patient.
And that is not my strong point. It is unreasonable to expect that any critter will be comfortable immediately upon coming into the house. It's going to take some time for Earl to accept another critter (not Oz) into his good graces.

Ozzie has crossed The Rainbow Bridge

I took Ozzie to the vet Thursday night. I had been putting it off for a week or so. I knew she was sick. I knew it was the FIP. I just hoped that if I ignored it that Ozzie would beat it again. Ozzie had an incredible will to live. I don't think she was ready to give up or give in to the illness, but the vet first told me that she "would not discourage me" from making the decision that night and later told me that if Oz were her cat, she would euthanize the cat that night. I said yes. I made the decision right away. I made the decision without holding Oz in my arms while I made the decision.

I feel so sad. I am sad

• that i made the decision without consulting Oz


• that I I didn't think about it longer


• that I made the decision alone


• that Oz is gone


• I miss Oz


• I really miss Oz. Oz brings me a lot of joy and I miss that joy


• I'm sad that Oz is dead

I am angry

• that the vet tech took Oz too quickly


• that I didn't ask to hold Oz before I made the decision


• that I didn't ask Oz if it was ok

Mostly I'm sad

• that Oz was so sick


• that Oz couldn't live a long life


• that it was Oz' time to cross the Rainbow Bridge


• that I couldn't make Oz better

I am afraid

• that I made the wrong decision


• that I'll never have another good critter ever again

I feel guilty

• that I made the decision too quickly


• that I didn't ask her, hold her while I made the decision

Mostly, I think this is balanced sadness. Oz was a good critter. I was good to Oz. Oz was very good to me.

Unreasonable expectation that makes this sadness worse than what it has to be is that there was going to be a "right time" or a "good time" for Oz to cross the Rainbow Bridge.

The more reasonable expectation is that Oz was a cat with lots of health issues. I took good care of Oz. Reasonably good care of Oz. I did what I thought was right. At least I had good motives, no evil motives. If I had unlimited resources, I might have made other decisions, but even then the outcome may not have been any different.

The essential pain of loving is that the ones I love may die. This is especially true if I love critters and bring them into my home.

The earned reward is the joy of loving and receiving love. When I let myself grieve, really feel really sad, when I let myself hurt and let the feeling pass, I am left with profound gratitude for the love I got to give to Oz and for her ability to receive my love and affection.

Thank you, Oz. I miss you.

Feeling Overwhelmed -- Doing Nothing?

How do I feel? Why is that question so easy to ask and so difficult to answer?

So How do I feel?
I feel rested. I feel healthy. I feel satisfied; I feel somewhat numb and overwhelmed.

Actually, I feel angry that I feel overwhelmed: Angry :

• there is so much to do
• that I didn't get my sabbatical
• that now I will never get a sabbatical
• that this is all Jim and Ray's fault. If only they hadn't ignored my request for a sabbatical
• that this is my fault -- if only I hadn't left STC, had been more assertive about my needs
• that I have to be assertive about my needs

And I do feel sad about feeling overwhelmed, sad

• that I feel this way so often
• that this feeling just saps my energy
• that I have to fight this feeling. Why won't it just go away! Actually, that makes me angry. This feeling should just go away.!!!!!!!
• Sad that I can't make it go away

I'm afraid. Fear that

• If I don't get control over this, I'm going to fail at everything. Work, CCC, BTA, everything!
• Fear that if I don't get control over this that I'm not going to enjoy my life as much as I could.

My part in this:

• I have the skills and it seems like I just don't use them.

UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS:

It's unreasonable to expect somebody else to protect my time, my energy, my feelings or me. Actually, it's my job to protect my time, my energy, my feelings and ME. It's my job to protect me.

It's unreasonable for me to expect that I will get better at using my skills unless I practice them. The time I waste by feeling overwhelmed and not doing anything about is my time. My valuable time. My valuable time on this earth in this body. What a gift from God. Why am I wasting this valuable gift? It's more reasonable for me to expect that if I use the skills I have spent a great deal of time and money to learn, I will feel better. It's reasonable for me to expect that the more I practice these skills, the more easily I can move myself above the line.

THEREFORE, I EXPECT MYSELF ;to put limits on this old wiring of "I feel overwhelmed". After all, based on past experience, I know this feeling is not based on reasonable expectations. I have always gotten done what I need to get done, often not perfectly, but always good enough. I have never really failed at a job. I haven't been perfect, but I've generally succeeded.

Connecting to my power-- that's how I feel better.

GRIND IN: It's my job to protect me.

Essential Pain: There is some old wiring that is going to take time and energy to change. Taking control of my time, my energy, my life, my money -- all of it.-- it's hard work. It's work I can't sail through. I can't just think about it and want it. It's up to me. It's up to me.

Earned Reward: I can do this. Confidence. (smile) CONFIDENCE. If I do take control, and do the work, I won't feel like an impostor. I will feel confident. I feel more confidence just thinking of this!

NEED: Keep doing the work.

GRIND IN: It's my job to protect me. It's MY job to protect ME.