I'm definately feeling out of sorts. I don't want to work and I don't know what I want to do. It's that old and very familiar quagmire. I futz around and then at the end of the day I look at what I've wasted and feel terrible. Angry - the job isn't working the way I wanted it to. I hate the commute, I miss working downtown, instead of fighting with opposing counsel, I fight with other board members and get paid less money.
- I'm not enjoying CCC work any more. It's tedious and really, I don't enjoy the people there very much.
Sad
- Angry and sad about Steve -- angry at myself and sad that I've settled so
Afraid
- I'm afraid about money (and a little angry at myself for my handling of money so poorly)
- Politics are scaring me -- I'm afraid of all the rancor
Guilty
- Guilty about not working hard enough
- I feel guilty about not managing money well enough
- I feel guilty about not using my skills well enough.
I am feeling a little below the line. I could do a cycle and should do a cycle. In the new lingo, I'm on the verge of a stress response.
TJ: I don't want to work. I know if I don't work, I'll feel awful, but still I don't want to work.
A: I don't want to work, I hate the work, I really really hate the work, I hate dealing with other people.I hate dealing with unreasonable people, I hate dealing with people who don't agree with me. They are just being jerks. I hate dealing with the jerks. I hate it that doctors and insurers are getting rich by hurting injured workers.
S: I feel sad that so many people are getting screwed.
W: I worry that I am going to make more mistakes; I worry that other C attorneys will loose faith in me and I'll end up loosing my job; Mostly I'm afraid they will talk about me and say that I'm stupid. I worry that I look stupid; I'm worried that they think I should be doing more. I'm worried that they think if I were doing a good job that the results would be different on their files. G: I feel guilty that my anger and worry get in the way of my doing the job. UE: That I am responsible for the out come of each file; That I'm responsible for finding a way to correct the mistakes that C attorneys make; That claimant attorneys won't like me if they lose a case. That it's important that people like me. That the measure of how well I've done the job is by how much or how many people like me. RE: First of all, some folks are just plain not going to like me and I guess it's also reasonable to expect that some folks won't like me because cases were not resolved like they wanted. it's not my job to be liked. It's my job to look at the files and make a fair decision based on what I see there. I expect myself to put forth good effort. Some days the actual hours I work will be more and some days the actual hours I work will be less. PPT: I'm not responsible for the evidence. I am responsible for reviewing the evidence.EP: The facts of some cases are going to make me want to make decisions that the evidence won't let me make. ER: Actually if I let go of the merging, I am sure my job will be more enjoyable. WDIN: I need to keep telling myself I am not responsible for the evidence; I'm am responsible for reviewing the evidence. I am not responsible for the evidence, I am responsible for reviewing the evidence. As for being liked, yes -- I'd like to be liked, but some folks are just not going to like me. They may even not like me because of the decisions I make. BUT frankly, I need not to worry about those folks. If I just concentrate on remembering that I am not responsible for the evidence, I will worry less about being liked. Really what I am saying is that there is NO connection between being liked and what the evidence is. I've always known that.
