Ozzie has crossed The Rainbow Bridge

I took Ozzie to the vet Thursday night. I had been putting it off for a week or so. I knew she was sick. I knew it was the FIP. I just hoped that if I ignored it that Ozzie would beat it again. Ozzie had an incredible will to live. I don't think she was ready to give up or give in to the illness, but the vet first told me that she "would not discourage me" from making the decision that night and later told me that if Oz were her cat, she would euthanize the cat that night. I said yes. I made the decision right away. I made the decision without holding Oz in my arms while I made the decision.

I feel so sad. I am sad

• that i made the decision without consulting Oz


• that I I didn't think about it longer


• that I made the decision alone


• that Oz is gone


• I miss Oz


• I really miss Oz. Oz brings me a lot of joy and I miss that joy


• I'm sad that Oz is dead

I am angry

• that the vet tech took Oz too quickly


• that I didn't ask to hold Oz before I made the decision


• that I didn't ask Oz if it was ok

Mostly I'm sad

• that Oz was so sick


• that Oz couldn't live a long life


• that it was Oz' time to cross the Rainbow Bridge


• that I couldn't make Oz better

I am afraid

• that I made the wrong decision


• that I'll never have another good critter ever again

I feel guilty

• that I made the decision too quickly


• that I didn't ask her, hold her while I made the decision

Mostly, I think this is balanced sadness. Oz was a good critter. I was good to Oz. Oz was very good to me.

Unreasonable expectation that makes this sadness worse than what it has to be is that there was going to be a "right time" or a "good time" for Oz to cross the Rainbow Bridge.

The more reasonable expectation is that Oz was a cat with lots of health issues. I took good care of Oz. Reasonably good care of Oz. I did what I thought was right. At least I had good motives, no evil motives. If I had unlimited resources, I might have made other decisions, but even then the outcome may not have been any different.

The essential pain of loving is that the ones I love may die. This is especially true if I love critters and bring them into my home.

The earned reward is the joy of loving and receiving love. When I let myself grieve, really feel really sad, when I let myself hurt and let the feeling pass, I am left with profound gratitude for the love I got to give to Oz and for her ability to receive my love and affection.

Thank you, Oz. I miss you.